New Years eve 2016, my heart was broken. My self worth was gone, and there were times, due to the words and actions of evil, I had contemplated ending my life more than once. I was an unrecognisable version of myself. This broken woman, id never seen her before but she was someone I believed I was going to see every time I looked in the mirror for the rest of my life. I was one month out of a year long emotionally abusive relationship. I won’t bang on about that as it isn’t the point to this post but picture it. New Year’s Eve, I’m standing in my best friend of 15 years kitchen, with her and my other love, Rach, determined to have an awesome night with two of my favourite people, I was worried about what drinking would do to my shattered heart but I had full belief that I control my thoughts and feelings and flat out refused to let any negativity ruin my night and that of my girls.
There in front of me was love in its most raw form. Two people that would stand in front of a bullet for me. No demons were going win any kind of reaction from me that night.
It was Yasmin’s idea while the three of us were alone together to reflect on the bullshit that was 2016 and set some resolutions on paper to be reflected on together at New Years Eve of 2017. It didn’t need to be spoken that all 3 of us had been through a lot so we were more than open to the idea of having a solid plan and something to look forward to for the next 12 months
We all wrote down 3-4 points and shared them with each other before storing them in a jar to be revisited in one year.
Writing my visions for the year was surprisingly easy given I was dead in the middle of allowing someone to diminish my self worth. Id spent the last month dealing with being not only tossed aside by someone I loved more than life itself, who then also hung around after breaking my heart, trying to ruin me with further emotional, verbal and borderline physical abuse.
Taking myself out of that mindset for a few minutes to plan what I wanted for the coming year literally helped me to start recovering my strength and self worth as it took me away from what was happening to me in the present moment and refocused me on some things that were going to be rich with the reward of accomplishment.
I put these plans into place with the promise to myself that I’d constantly revisit them throughout the year and ensure I was being true to every single one of those points I jotted down. I’m looking forward to reflecting on them with both Yas and Rach this New Years as I know I’ve worked my ass off to see them through. I can honestly and confidently say in the last 12 months, I’ve fought the hardest I’ve ever fought in my life for myself. I looked every one of my demons directly in the eyes and took them down not with a punch to the face but with the words, “you cannot have me anymore” Demons lose all their power when you stop giving them yours.
Here’s what happened with my goals:
I’m not sure I’m ever going to be able to forgive some people for some of things that have been done to me but I can fiercely say I’ve forgiven myself for the weak moments I endured when I actually believed I wasn’t worth anything.
I beat myself up more in the fall out for allowing myself to weaken to a point where I did question the value of my life. I forgive myself for not realising sooner that the only opinion on my life that actually has any backing, is my own.
What I have come to realise is that when people try to take you down for no reason, it is a reflection of themselves. I was made to feel worthless because that’s how they felt. I was beaten up for a year by THEIR own self loathing. And now all I feel aside from pure, blind hatred is sorry for THEM because I’ll never be the incredibly sad, self loathing and insecure person they are. What they made me feel was temporary, they’re stuck with that their whole life.
I’ll never forgive them for trying to destroy my heart bit I forgive myself for giving away that power. They failed anyway because all they did was push me over and kick me a few times. And I used it as fuel to get back up and be a fucken bad ass for the entire year. They thought they were ruining me but in fact they were giving me ammo for when I was able to wrench myself back up on my feet to walk down a bigger and badder golden brick road. Thanks bitch :)
Lady boss. In every sense of the word
I did all the shit I was told I’d never do. Became all the things I was told I’d never be. I am the type of of person that in response to being told that I’ll never be anything or do something, retorts with, “watch me”
I bought a car, not my first car but the first car I’ve bought outright on my own. Nothing fancy or expensive but she’s mine, my lancer is a physical representation of what happens to me when I’m not told I can’t. I fucking can. I fucking did. Her name is Jaws. The fucking Great White.
I launched my fitness business by myself. And it made money. I worked 6-8 PT, 9-5 Oakley day job and 5-9 PT. And I loved it, it didn’t feel like work. I made friends, I helped women find strength they didn’t know they had which in turn helped build mine as well and I built something substantial with my bare hands.
I got promoted at Oakley and then won an award at our national conference in Melbourne. I fucking lady bossed, more than once and I did it under the weight of being told I’d never be anything.
I did more than I planned!
- Yoga, beached and coffee coma-d in Bondi,
- Got inspired and motivated and then partied my ass off with the leaders of the Free World in Melbourne,
- Dragged my good friend Stace through, Kuta, Seminyak, Uluwatu, Legian and Nusa Dua in Bali
- AND while I didn’t not travel Northern Africa and the Middle East during the 2017, mate, the bitch was booked and I’ll be flying out in t-minus 3 months. Egypt, Israel, Jordan and Dubai, I’m coming for you.
Moral of the story: it can take only one little person to bring you to your knees but it’s entirely your choice as to whether or not you stay there.
2017, I took control. In every sense of the word. I bettered myself which in turn made me a better human being, not just for myself but for others as well. I am better able to hold up people I love when they need it because I am fully understanding of how to do it for myself. Fuck with my heart and I’ll come back stronger than before, fuck with those within my heart and I’ll kill you.
With 2017 nearing its end, it’s time to start thinking about 2018. I have some big things planned, and ideas floating around my mind but we’ll save that. Stay tuned.
Love to you boss lady